She Said, He Said: In Defense of Philadelphia

There have long been rumors and allegations about my beloved hometown.

Every time a Philadelphia sports team is in the news, these retarded old myths and anecdotes
get dredged up by some lazy hack who doesn't feel like doing any research.

Animal news correspondent Deirdre, in conjunction with her dad, have kindly laid down some of the finest examples of such untruths and I will once and for all put them to rest.

First things first - Why did you pelt Santa with ice balls?

We didn't. A. Santa's not real and B. that wasn't even fake Santa. It was some 19 year old in the stands dressed like Santa plucked out of obscurity to replace a canceled Christmas pageant.

As the story below explains:

"At halftime, there was supposed to be a Christmas pageant. Then there was too much snow and muck for a float to parade around the field. Instead, according to the book, a 19-year-old fan wearing a Santa suit and fake beard in the stands was recruited to jog onto the field between two columns of cheerleaders."

People weren't booing Santa. They were booing the Eagles' evil owner, the 2-12 season and the fact that we were getting butt molested by Minnesota which no one wants. Philadelphians like Santa, he brings them imaginary gifts.

Why did you boo Joe Biden?

Only the boners in the AP reported this, though sadly then Deadspin picked it up too.*

No one was booing Joe Biden, an actual Eagles fan, though one dumb enough to admit he also secretly likes the Giants-a real reason to boo.

However, when his image was placed on the jumbotron at last Sunday's game, the refs had just issued a non-call on Eli Manning's overt intentional grounding, which ultimately fucked us (in some drawn out way).

Half those people don't even know what Joe Biden looks like. Furthermore, he was seated next to Phillies Cole Hamels and Pat Burrel, two people no one in Philly would boo post-World Series triumph.

Why did you let Sarah Palin drop the puck at the first Flyers game, thereby starting the Palin curse?

This was dumb, though a great chance to showcase Philly fans actually booing someone with purpose. The chairman of the Flyers is a douche and evidently didn't think that maybe in a city that votes 80% Democrat, inviting that ice fascist weirdo to drop a puck was a poor idea.

The Palin curse is very real and has since struck the St. Louis Blues.

Please explain how and why your mayor bombed upwards of fifty houses in 1985.

Oh yeah, that was bad. See this group MOVE loosely affiliated with the Black Panthers, were paling around with terrorists named Hillary Clinton.

Sigh. That was just terrible. I think Mayor Goode was not a good mayor. They didn't bomb fifty houses though, just one or two, but see fire spreads and well...

But those MOVE members all got shiny new homes with irregular doors. I've seen them.

But this just has to do with people's lives, not sports.

True or False - The worlds biggest pinata was a failure because Philadelphians couldn't be trusted not to rip it apart for its sweet sweet insides.

That's sorta false. Carnival Cruises had this Carribean festival with the world's largest pinata the weekend after the Phillies won the World Series and rather than a normal number of people attending this corporate celebration, 10,000 did.

They didn't expect so many revelers and thus the World's Largest Pinata was never busted for fears of candy pandimonium.

I wouldn't call 10,000 partiers coming to fete a pinata a failure though. I bet that candy was made of lead anyway.


Why would Flyers fans throw smoke bombs at their own team?

Ok, yeah. I don't know. People were all goofy over the curse of William Penn ending. Also, the Jersey Devils are our most hated of teams and the bomb was probably intended to kill a few of them, not to disrupt the game.

Endearingly one of the Finnish players said the bomb reminded him of News Years back home.

And one Deirdre didn't say, but still: Why did you boo poor Donovan McNabb when he was drafted over that weed freak Ricky Williams?

Well Deirdre, I'm glad you asked. See this was all a stunt. This Philadelphia sports talk radio host, who isn't even from Philadelphia, organized a group of drunks to boo if Ricky Williams weren't drafted. It's as simple as that.

This was not some spontaneous burst of Eagles indignation. He had just been campaigning for Williams, which as it turned out, was stupid.

Plus everyone gets booed at the draft.

My closing question is - Why does God hate Philly?

I'm not sure that he does anymore. First the Soul, now the Phillies and Obama-which directly relates to Philadelphia because Joe Biden's wife is from Willowgrove and I used to go to the mall there and.

Perhaps God's moved her/his divine rage and anger to Cleveland and Baltimore. Hurrah!

Pinata pic via Philebrity

*This has just been corrected, thanks Daulerio!